Chapter I: Pregnancy, childbirth, doctorate - hard, but possible
Combining scientific work with a family with a husband and two children under the age of four is not easy, but not impossible either. A stable family background, a willingness to push one's own boundaries and an all-encompassing love bring PhDs.
After five years of studying biology, I decided to become a scientist. But you don't become one without three magic letters (Ph.D.) after your name. So I accepted the challenge, enrolled in a PhD program, passed the interview and started to find out what it is all about.
Gradually I discovered that scientific work is very free, creative, multidisciplinary, prestigious and beautiful. But it's also time-consuming, stressful, bureaucratic, cheap and endless. So if you're a self-loving masochist, plus you're groping for which profession to choose, science is the perfect choice for you. You'll be experts in your field as well as educators, journalists, speakers, graphic designers, statisticians, PR managers, project managers, administrative staff, technicians, drivers and support staff of all kinds.
Science or family? Both!
My work ambitions began to come true, but the maternal ones did not lag behind. During the first year of my PhD studies, I got pregnant in a planned way, following the strategy "it will work out somehow" and excitedly awaiting the arrival of my first child. I had a very comfortable pregnancy, and both my daughter and I were healthy and thriving. So my pregnancy was no obstacle to completing my internship in Germany and Spain, finishing my fieldwork, and towards the end, when I resembled a baby humpback whale in size, I was able to engage in quiet PC work.
When my daughter was born, I became a fully engaged mom. A few times I even caught myself using the hated "mumisms" ("our teeth are coming in" or "we had a nice poop!"). Motherhood simply consumed me, and I found science completely absurd and superfluous. Temporarily. Six months later, my shut-down right hemisphere woke up and screamed: "I'm hungry for knowledge, feed me!".
My scientific background served me at that time to search for information on Google Scholar (a worldwide database of scientific papers). I repeatedly berated myself for damaging our child, for being strange sleeping so much, for not starting to walk too early, and for expressing an opinion from three months of her age. The doctorate was sort of dangling next to me at the time. Every now and then I would blurt something out so I wouldn't feel completely out of touch with reality. And then...
If you are done, push the boundaries further!
I got pregnant for the second time. By this time, however, it was getting serious, because the standard period of doctoral studies had turned into its last quarter in my case. So, in my eighth month of pregnancy, I took my state exams with the utmost self-denial. Studying alongside a 19-month-old toddler, and being progressively pregnant, is purgatory level 2000 (thanks, Mom, for your willing and full care of our firstborn!).
Birth #2 and the toughest covid lockdown ruined a lot of my plans. My older daughter couldn't even go to the child group for a few hours a day. In addition, my son was an insomniac, a wanderer and an extensive milk eater who did not accept that our two bodies were definitively separated by birth and required 24-hour contact.
Yes, it was beautiful, understandable, natural, important. And also exhausting. So I put my PhD to rest, only to have it knock on the door in a year's time with the news that I really needed to write a dissertation.
My husband (give him a medal for father and husband of the century) was released to go on maternity leave - that is, paternity leave - about a year into my son's life, and so there was nothing stopping me from getting down to writing. Events took a rapid turn. Along with becoming a Mother, you automatically acquire new skills, such as Excellence in Effective Time Management. Bum, oops, whoop, and poof, the dissertation was up in two months and I defended it in another two months after submitting it (thanks to my colleagues in the Department of Zoology's Board Council for their willingness to process the matter in an expedited mode).
A supportive environment is paramount
Friends and colleagues at work patted me on the back after I got my PhD: "You dude, hats off to you! Two kids and a PhD? You're really good!" I was happy to receive their compliments. I was good and proud that I had managed not to lose my inner integrity and at the same time take full care of my children, with whom we have a harmonious relationship full of trust and love. But beware, first of all, I was not alone in this bold venture. There are way more mothers studying PhD than one might think (I salute you, fellow students, and send you energy to face all obstacles). Second, I am fully aware that I stand on a pedestal made up of a loving family and supportive colleagues.
For example, my symbiotic relationship with my supervisor, Dr. Katerina Sam, was nearly perfect. She never rushed me, was patient and always willing to give advice - personally and professionally - and I always delivered what we agreed on.
My husband didn't hesitate to relieve me on maternity leave and take care of the children with breathtaking obviousness. His approach ensured my admiration and gratitude and a wonderful harmony with them. The grandparents, in turn, made sure that my husband and I nourished a partnership so burdened by parenthood.
In summary, science and motherhood go into the pile if you have the right environment for it. If the roles of mother and father are close and intertwined, the woman has the opportunity for self-fulfilment, and the man in turn develops a relationship with his children.
As a scientist mom, I refute the scientific term "it's too good to be true" that we use when the results come out suspiciously well. Most of the time it means we've made a mistake somewhere. But becoming a mom and continuing to study or do science was certainly not a mistake.